update 1/25

As the ultrasound didn’t give any answers, my surgeon didn’t feel the CT scan would clarify it further.  The recommendation was instead of doing a biopsy with a possible surgery afterwards, to just have surgery and take whatever it is out and test it.  So surgery is set for Feb. 9th.  I will be put under like last time, but it should be a much simpler procedure and I will go home the same day.  If any cancer is found, they will stage it, etc. and figure out plan like rads or chemo etc.  They don’t think it is cancer, but that’s what to expect should it be found.  …. tired today!

ultrasound update

The surgeons office just called to schedule an appointment with Kate to go over my ultrasound results and to schedule another procedure.  I found it odd that if it is truly nothing, I didn’t get a phone call saying so as she said would happen, or telling me the CT scan that was recommended has been scheduled.  She actually wants to see me in person to discuss it… I wasn’t supposed to see her for another month just for a check-up.  So now I’m back to half-way freaking out.  The appointment is on the 25th, so if it was an emergency she would get me in immediately which makes me even more confused.  I tried to pry the phone lady for info but she wasn’t playing ball.  She did slip up and say ’schedule surgery’ and I had to ask WHAT? before she said, oh I mean talk about another possible procedure.  HMMMMMMM…….

I realize it could be nothing, and I wasn’t even going to post on it, except I did this blog to help others and if it’s nothing then someone else dealing with the same thing one day can go ‘well lyn freaked out and had to wait, and it was nothing so I won’t worry’.  I hate the waiting game.

An update

So my classes started last Monday.  Being online it was hard for me to get in to the groove of it being ‘real’ and also, balancing the kids home and reading everything, and taking the tests, and getting organized.  For those who don’t know, I enrolled in a 10 month medical training program where I am going to learn medical office procedures, medical language and terminology, and how to do medical transcription as well.  I’m not certain what my goal is yet, but I know I want to work in a medical office -preferably a cancer center or hospital- and I thought I could combine the new education with my Associates in Business and work history to make it happen.  Or maybe I will really like the transcription part and go all the way with that.  It’s just the first week, so we’ll see where it takes me.  As I was saying, having the kids home and the new responsibilities, and my health was alot to do.  It was one of the hardest weeks in a long time. 

I was frustrated with myself, then I realized that nothing is going to ’snap back’.  I’m not going to wake up one morning and feel the way I used to.  I have to realize that I’m recooperating from surgery, radiation… and the last year. 

Physically, the pain I was having at Christmas is still here.  I can’t straighten my right arm, it’s been about 3 days now and I don’t know why.  My whole body hurts from my jawline to my feet most of the day, and I take 600mg of Ibuprofen several times a day as well as vicodin at night if I need it.  I saw a chiropractor last week, and go in tomorrow for an alignment though my oncologist says that’s not the problem.  I guess my symptoms are ‘classic when a young woman goes to zero estrogen all at once’.  My surgeon said it’s possible the radiation is causing an inflammatory response in my joints as well and it might take time to get back to normal.  they put me on a couple of drugs to see if it helps.  It is very hard to move, and it’s really sucky that it’s been this long now.  I also am now taking 2000mg of vitamin D with the new prescrips.  I’m hoping the combo of everything will kick in.  Dh and I got a babysitter last night for a couple of hours and went to see Avatar in 3D.  At the end of the movie, I couldn’t move.  Literally.  Luckily we were at Cinetopia so it wasn’t hard for people to get by, because my legs and neck were frozen in place.  It was the weirdest thing, and showed how much I’m dependent on the Ibuprofin for the inflammation, because I didn’t take any that day. 

Well, that’s my update.  My chest is still not healed but it’s on the way.

U/S today

The U/S tech came back from showing the pix to the radiologist and said ‘It’s kind of good news.  We didn’t see anything definitive, but based on the pictures he is recommending a CT scan.’

So there you go.  It still could be nothing, and they are being careful.  I tried to pump her for what on the u/s made him want to do a CT and she said ‘he didn’t elaborate’. 

I’ll update when I know more.

EDIT:  I talked to my oncologist and she doesn’t think there’s anything to worry about even with that recommendation.  So I’m going to try not to think about it anymore, and just focus on school that started this week until I do know something either way.

A new lump to be U/S – 2009 wins afterall

I have this image of a boxing ring in the middle of a huge auditorium and in one corner is the year 2009, and on the floor knocked out cold and bleeding on the mats is me.  It’s doing a victory dance with its arms in the air cheering, i WIN I WIN.  I think it heard me bashing it earlier today, heard me talking about how I cannot wait to say good riddance and it decided to get in one last knockout jab before the new year.

I had a routine post-op appointment with the breast surgeon earlier today, I was looking forward to seeing Kate because I haven’t seen her since my left drain was removed.  My oncologist suggested I talk with her about my joint pains and see if she has any ideas (she’s very involved with her patients unlike many surgeons), and to show off my radiation wounds that are still present.  I assumed she would check out my chest to make sure I’m healing fine and send me on my way.  What I didn’t see coming during the check-up was her fingers stopping in a specific spot on the inner ridge of my right chest.  Right on the seam of my bi-lateral cut.  Then she said the words we’ve all heard: “It’s probably nothing, but there is a small lump present that I don’t remember being there.  I’m sure it’s nothing Lyn, but I don’t like it when I don’t remember these things so let’s do an ultrasound right away to be sure.  If they think it’s suspicious I’m ordering an immediate biopsy to follow.”  She wanted to do it today, but I was unable due to having the kids in the car with hubby who had to get back to work and said Monday or Tuesday would be better for me.  They said they will schedule it and get back to me.  Walking out the door she said ‘well it’s not Inflammatory, whatever it is’.  I know it’s illogical to be worried about having another cancer so soon, or to think that the IBC has trekked its way across my chest but I can’t help but be worried and mostly frustrated because I JUST HAD A DOUBLE MASTECTOMY!!!!!    I JUST finished twice a day radiation.   I just finished hell year.  I am supposed to be DONE with ultrasounds, and biopsies and ‘possible cancer’.  This is the exact reason I had the elective bi-lateral and full hysterectomy.  To avoid this situation.  I assumed one might happen in the future, but not today.  Not right now.  I can’t frickin believe it.  Everyone cross your fingers for me that her prediction of ‘I”m sure it’s nothing’ is exactly that this round.

Good riddance 2009!!!!!

I haven’t harbored so much resentment for a period of time in quite a while.  I am relieved to be saying goodbye to this godforsaken year.  I didn’t want to do a post about it at all, but I did one last year, so here goes.

2009 Taught Me (or my philosophical thoughts on the crappy year)

1.  To expect the unexpected.

2.  To follow your intuition.  I thought I knew this already, but I REALLY know it now, it saved my life.

3.  That I am not negative.  I do have a basic hopeful outlook on life in general, and believe in hope itself.   I briefly thought I was an extreme realist, and negative about certain things.  I learned that the people who made me think that about myself, made me think that because I didn’t see things the way that they did or do.  It’s simple actually, if you voice your vision and it doesn’t agree with anothers view, and there isn’t a shared respect for open thought- one of you is going to ‘be filled with bitterness and negativity.’  I was told that was me this year in the middle of my cancer battle and I believed it for about a week, and racked my brain about what to do with the info.  What a crappy week that was.  Then I realized the problem wasn’t ME.  LESSON: sometimes people have issues that have nothing to do with you, but you somehow get the brunt of it.  You can internalize it and let it hurt, or you can SEE what is really happening, that their reaction to you isn’t about you at all.  You can try to get past it by showing that you care, but if that doesn’t work the best thing to do in this case is back off, you can’t change them.  You can only hope they will come around to the light in time.

4.  My guardian angels are active and around and deem me fit to stay alive this year (Thank God).  My car caught on fire the minute I was already getting out of it 2 weeks ago. The brake line broke and the brake fluid was burning shooting flames out.  I had no clue, and if I hadn’t been getting out when I was, or going 60 down the HWY…. I might not be here to be so mad about 2009    I was getting out at NW Cancer specialists for treatment- so I guess that place saved my life twice this year.  When Ken heard from the mechanic what had happened, he didn’t want to tell me because the ‘what if she wasn’t getting out then’s ‘ were too scary to think about.  I KNOW that I am very lucky to be sitting here.

6.  In bad situations, comes good things.  I met some of the most wonderful people this year that I would not have met had I not gotten cancer.

I’m sure there is more, so much more, but I would be here all day trying to put the thoughts into coherent sentences.  Maybe I’ll do a part-2.  2009 was one of the hardest, most harrowing, awful, intense times of my life.  I will not miss it a single bit.  I’m sure I’ll never forget it either.

Things I learned in 2008- a look back

I wrote this list a year ago exactly, and posted it on my myspace blog and to my moms groups, and asked others to follow.  I thought it would inspire me to write what I learned in 2009.  Mind you, I wrote this BEFORE my cancer diagnosis.  I find wisdom in a few of the lines, and a naivete in a couple of the others LOL. 

 

2008 Taught me

Things I learned in 2008

 

1.  People die.  It isn’t pretty, it isn’t usually wanted but it’s the way it is.  Grief is hard, and requires a process and trying to avoid it or rush it doesn’t work.  People die, but they are not gone I know this with 100% certainty and knowing that does help. 

 

2.  It’s good to be strong but it’s not OK to neglect yourself in the process.  When you are on solid ground again, you find you have more work to do just to get yourself back to where you were before.  Take care of yourself. 

 

3.  I don’t know what I want to do with myself exactly.  I want to write yet find a million other things to do instead.  I work full-time but it’s a job not a career and I don’t even see myself wanting a career per se.  I don’t know what I want yet, and that’s OK for a while.  No sense beating myself up about it, when it’s time I’ll just do it.

 

4.  There are no rules to life, only the ones we put on ourselves.  Anything we do is really OK in the bigger scheme of things, and it really will all work out.

 

5.  I love a good deal but I don’t like to coupon.  It’s tedious, time consuming and detail oriented.  I love the financial savings, but it is a lot of hard work.  3 weeks of not keeping up with the coupons and ads and boom another box full of stuff to sort.  But I will continue because again, it really does help and you feel good knowing you spent only a fraction of the price on stuff your family needs and wants.

 

6.  I love my husband and am so blessed with to have these funny little creatures known as my kids.  I’ve been home for 2 weeks now with them and I survived, and even miss them now while they’re at school and I’m home typing this up because I have to keep myself occupied or lose my mind ))  

 

Life definitely is worth living, and living as happily as possible is OK with God, it’s people that get jealous and want to bring us down but really they have no power over us. 

 

Random Pix

Some pix taken over the last few weeks.  I let the kids decorate a little tree this year instead of putting up the big one, they loved it and it was so easy for me. 

            

Radiation pix-3 weeks post

Still kind of gross, and still painful but better than before.  I took this 2 days ago 3 weeks post radiation.  I got a refill on the silvadene (I think that’s it) tonight.

                 

N.E.D.-THE BAND

December 29, 2009

I have heard that having a guinecological surgeon and oncologist in one is a good find.  I was lucky in that even though I didn’t have a guinecological cancer, there was one of the best of them in the building when my oncologist suggested a hysterectomy along with my mastectomies.  Not only is his picture on the brochure for The Da Vinci machine which shows he knows his stuff, his picture is also on the cover of a new CD his band N.E.D. No Evidence of Disease has just put out.  Every member of the band is a guinecology oncologist or guinecology medical person of some sort.  Here is what I picked up at his office about their mission:

N.E.D. is made up of six gynecologic oncologists who always hope to deliver the sweetest message their patients can ever hear: “NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE”.  Their mission is to enhance knowledge about gynecologic cancer, to save lives, as well as to bring hope through music to those undergoing treatment, and to the world at large.  Proceeds from every CD sold will be donated to N.E.D. Fund at Gynecologic Cancer Foundation (GCF), which promotes awareness and early detection, and research of gynecologic cancers.

Order the CD at:  www.marjiesfund.org, www.amazon.com, www.borders.com, www.barnesandnoble.com, www.itunes.com    

I wouldn’t normally promote one thing over another, but I know Dr. Winter personally and he’s a good guy who believes in their mission.  He never once said anything to me about his band, or their projects, I only learned of it through other doctors and a small flyer at NW Cancer Specialists.  I haven’t heard the music myself yet, but I am going to pick up a cd soon because I know the proceeds are going to a good cause.